Monday, July 26, 2010

Fernanda's Fanfiction

An entire life in one day

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself. The first phrase on the book I started to read and rapidly got more and more involved thinking of a women’s whole life in a single day... and on this day her whole life. Discovering with every page read that her demons were as strong and fatal as my own ones. There are times when you don't belong and you think you are going to kill yourself. It is on this day, this day of all days, my fate became clear to me. My name is Laura Brown.

I woke up by the sound of the banging of the kitchen cupboard doors, it was my husband Dan, he was already up and he's making breakfast for our little one, he also bought me flowers and it's his own birthday- a little too much I thought. By the way I can’t think of anything more uplifting that getting flowers first thing in the morning, but this morning it doesn't make me any happier, nothing that Dan could possibly do for me ever will. I felt like my life had been stolen from me, I was living a life I had no wish to live. How did it happen?


Dan once said that when he was fighting in the war in the South Pacific, he used to think about me, to bring me to a house, the thought of this life- that's what kept him going. He had an idea of our happiness, and he deserves it right? After all he went through- but what about me? It’s my life he was thinking about. Why was everything wrong? I don't know what's happening to me. I seemed to be unraveling.


And then I had an idea, I was going to leave my son with Mrs. Lashes and then drive to a hotel and finish with my life once and for all, but while there at the hotel room, everything began to become clear to me. “Did it matter?” I asked myself, lying there in the bed. Does it matter that I must inevitably cease, completely? All this must go on without me. Do I resent it? Or does it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? It is possible to die; someone has to die in order that the rest value life more, its contrast. Who will die? Why does it have to be me?My destiny must be resolve now. In that precise moment I made a plan.



I went home it was the afternoon and Dan was still at work, I began to make a cake, a birthday cake for him, regardless of my poor abilities in the culinary arts, that day I felt very confident, I cautiously read every line on the recipe and with my son's help sifted the flour, with each sound of a cracked egg shell I felt like a part of my soul was breaking, felling apart. The idea of ending someone’s life seems quite unreal for me, was I mad? Or was I just about to take this big step in to the life of my dreams, just me and my kids forever? Swiftly without a single doubt I pour into the mix two table spoons of rat poison. This is all it takes I thought. After two long hours the cake was ready and my son was a bit restless, and with a big smile in my face I said: don’t worry, honey. Everything is fine. We're going to have a wonderful party. We've made Daddy such a nice cake.

Later on that evening Dan got home, the table was exquisitely placed, the finest china and silver cutlery set, and in the middle of the table a birthday cake. Dan seems amused and his face shows a sense of security, just being at home with his family, living the life he has always dreamed of. It couldn't even cross his mind what was about to take place. Softly we sang him happy birthday, leisurely he closed his eyes and powerfully blew out the candle. I said that we made this cake especially for him, so we just were going to sit down and watch him eating it. Bit by bit we saw him smiling and enjoying it, each bite was a relief- like when you take a deep breath and you feel so calm and contented. There was such a sense of possibility. You know that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness, this is where it starts, and of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment, right then. I felt free for the first time in years.

It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? It's what you can bear. There it is. No one's going to forgive me. It was death. I chose life.

I still have to face the hours, don't I? I mean, the hours after that party, and the hours after that... it has been almost 40 years since that day, and I’m sitting here in this heartrending and bitter cell, I just received a letter announcing that my son Richard has died, and also a few years ago his sister died from cancer, when you receive this kind of news obviously, you feel unworthy- it gives you feelings of unworthiness. You survive, and they don't.

I will close this suicide note with the words of Virginia Wolf:

“To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then… to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us- always the years- always the love- always, the hours.”

11 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Cool idea; initially i thought you were actually writing a sequel to Mrs. Dalloway. Ambitious much? But no, your concept of adding another vignette to the Hours story, of women across different time-periods reading the novel and finding it affecting their lives in poignantly distinct ways, is a very cool concept indeed. Is your character going to be a lesbian as well, as all of the original characters were? Or maybe you'll modernize with a less radical vision of feminism, one that encompasses heterosexual relationships in a post-feminist assertion of women's current roles and ideals in society. Good luck!

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  3. I think you have a really good plot on your hands, but I think maybe you have rushed the writing a little. It just seems that it is jumping along too quickly, maybe try and focus a little more on each little detail and use them to make your story powerful rather than trying to write too much too soon.

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  4. Sorry if my feedback sounds bit too harsh! I really do like the idea of the story and I really am interested in this character, just want to read more. Goodluck =)

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  5. Oh okay, so you're re-hashing Julianne Moores character from the movie. So, are you going to change anything or maybe just retell the same event, just shifting the focus to the son and his experience of it, like being left with the sitter while his mother rents a room to kill herself in before pulling out at the last minute. Maybe you could have her running off with the neighbour right after they share that kiss, taking the son with them!

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  6. yes I think you guys are right, I think it is a bit ambitious of me doing this story... mmm... I've never wrote anything in my life!! I like your idea Sam of her running away with her son, but Im thinkng to make it a little more dramatic hehehe.. she will kill the husband and then she will spend all her days in prison away from her children. yes DK I need to work more in the development of the events and dont rush it too much... thanks for your comments they really help :)

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  7. Whoooo! I like your version; killing the husband is genius, you should totally pulp it up; maybe an epilogue prison riot in which Laura gets her prison name, builds up a reputation on the inside and is an inspiration to angry feminist lesbians everywhere! Or not; sounds like the plot of a soft core porn really doesn't it.

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  8. Hey Fernanda:)I think you've got a really interesting plot on your hand, especially adding the twist of the protagonist killing her husband.I agree with Daniel that you need to draw the story out a bit. Go into a lot of detail with the description of the morning,birthday,etc. That way when Juliane Moore's character does kill her husband it will be more unexpected.You definately chose a meaty text to work with:)

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  9. Hi Fernanda,

    I just wanted to say that you have created a very interesting and imaginative plot, I am sure your final production will be great! However I thought it would be good to mention that I found it slightly difficult to follow.. perhaps you could rethink your phrases? But then again I am not a writing critique.. and what you have so far is great.. Keep going I am eager to read the rest!

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  10. Well… this is finally finished!! I hope you guys enjoy it, a bit sad but not too depressing or boring I hope. I also hope it isn’t too difficult to follow as I literately took some of the phrases from the actual movie; Let me know what you think after you read the whole thing. You can be evilly critique it! I won’t be offended seriously! (Till now everyone has been very nice to me in their comments) well also consider that I usually write in Spanish and this is my first writing in English :).

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  11. Really cool story Fernanda!
    Liked it heaps! YOu have improved the writing a lot...and it was hard to stop reading which is good. I liked where you took the story, it was very cool...she sounds like quite a messed up person lol. Good stuff! hard to believe this is your first english writing, well done!

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