Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Gabriel's Story- Saw Fan Fiction

He awoke suddenly, drenched in a cold sweat and with his heart pumping at what felt like 300 beats per minute. Unsure of what had awoken him, the uneasy feeling of being watched was overpowering and intensifying. Throwing off the covers he makes a quick dash for the light switch across the room, praying to himself that this paranoia was only a bi-product of the skunk from last night. He looks around for any evidence of somebody being in the room and notices a picture. Normally a picture in somebodies bedroom wouldn't have been such a shock but he was not the sentimental type and keeping pictures was not something he did, he had always had a nasty nonchalance toward life. This attitude had landed him in trouble throughout school and even got him fired from numerous positions, but he didn't care; in fact there wasn't much he cared about these days. It had even driven the people who are genetically designed to care for him, his family away from him. He turned the picture over and suddenly a deep chill came over him. The people in the picture, they were his family but something was very disturbing about this picture. Each person in the family had had their heads replaced with that of a pig. He began to feel sick. Was this a joke? He realized too late that it wasn't, for as he set the picture down he noticed a reflection in the glass. The reflection of the same pig's head that was in the photos. He turned around and attempted to let out a scream but the sound barely passed his lips as a blow to the side of the head rendered him unconscious.


The noise of a turned on television is one of those noises that even though it's nearly silent has the ability to awake people, and that was exactly what happened . now fully awake he turned his attention to the surroundings , lit only by the dim light of the T.V the room was a ghastly sight, made from granite, it could have been straight from the 1300's. The moss that must have been growing for many years was very wet and the room stunk of ancient mold. His head ached something vicious and now attempting to sit up he noticed something else very wrong. His legs we trapped, obviously numbed from lack of blood flow his now immobile legs where trapped into a clamp like device with short spikes already piercing his skin. Panicking he attempts to struggle but the pain is so immense he begins to vomit and nearly passes out again. Suddenly the VCR crackles to life, a doll sits perfectly still on a tricycle. Unable to even process what's happening he begins to scream at the T.V but to no avail, tears pour down his face, and his voice grows hoarse. Mid scream he falls silent, the doll slowly turns it's head to face him. Jet black hair and blood red eyes and two perfect spirals on each cheek the doll's hinged mouth begins to move and a sinister voice filled the silence.

"Dread and fear are dangerous emotions Daniel, but they trigger a human's survival instincts, they show we care about our lives, they express our desire to live. You have succeeded in your 25 years of life in removing any social trace of your existence, you work but you fail to care enough to show up, you've driven your family away from you and this would almost show that you don't care anymore, that you have given up on life. So, Daniel, I want to play a game. This game is for your life. I want you to listen very clearly; as you can see your legs are incapacitated but you still have control of your upper body, to your right you should see a cellular phone. It contains the numbers of your family. You are free to call your family and they can rescue you from what will surely be a painful death, and I will even provide you with a clue to let your family know where you are, should they decide to show you the care you denied them. The screws controlling how tight the clamp on your legs will tighten consistently for the next 60 minutes, so if the timer runs out, well so will your life. Good luck Daniel."

The screen turned black only to be re-ignited again with a timer and '406- Montana'.




Still deciding on whether to try create more complications with this character or introduce the complication when one of his family members attempts to save him.

11 comments:

  1. Hi Gabriel, really loving this story!
    It is really buzzy and interesting!
    It has a really good immediate start to it which reflects someone waking up to the shockof not knowing where you are so I thinkyou should stick to that! The main thing that I want you to improve on is the amount of times you use the word like "he",'himself" "his'...he turns, he looks around, looks at himself etc. It makes the sentences seem really stacked and sort of takes your mind away from the excitement of the whole plot. I think you could perhaps simply remove the word 'he' in some cases or think of another word to use just to make it less repetitive.
    Just my opinion.

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  2. Thanks man, I'll look into that just thought I'd get some quick ideas out but I'll make sure to work on that.

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  3. Yeah, it has momentum because you've flung your protagonist right into it, just like with the opening sequence of a Saw film so you've got you're genre conventions right. Agree with DK, a repetitive use of pronouns is slowing you down. All the same, even with your opening paragraph it's high tension; can't wait to see where you take it.

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  4. Hey Gabriel:) I really like your story so far. You have created an believable character with a distinctive voice. He fits into the conventions of the'Saw' franchise perfectly. I agree with Samuel that plunging your character head first into the story creates interest. You have also included the back story that supplies the reader with information regarding the character's attitudes and persona very effectively,all without adding unnecessary distractions from the action itself.
    There is one sentence,however that I believe uses too many adjectives,and as a result loses it's effectiveness. ''Unsure of what had awoken him, the uneasy feeling of being watched was overpowering. I think you should either get rid of some of the adjective or maybe break the sentence up into shorter sentences,the result would be more effective. Other than that I really like everything else about your fanfic:)
    I'm looking forward to reading the final product:)

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  5. oh my god i feel frickin ill. This is great though, and you're obviously a Saw fan because you've taken the major elements and mimicked them perfectly, while at the same time giving it a spin decidedly Gabriel and not whatever sick prats it is that started the franchise. Take your time with the horrific bits though, use some interesting language with them and throw that stuff in a readers face; the more uncomfortable they are with it, the more affective the writing is! Also, love how it's a negligent father getting the Saw treatment. I think everyone knows one of those....

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  7. This is friken awesome!!!
    You just had to call him Daniel didnt you?? lol didnt like my comment ae? So you decided to put me in the clamp? hahaha!

    Seriously nerve racking stuff!! It gives me the same effect of watching those scary as hell saw movies!!! Wouldnt you love to be in this guys shoes??
    Ha, seriously Gabriel you really hit the nail on the head here! The scenario is perfect, the game is perfect...I am just wondering what is going to happen now. I think it needs something very unexpected! another twist? try not to make it predictable at all, as this is reeeally good so far.

    By the way...what was the clue he will provide to his whereabouts?

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  8. I can name him something else if you want, The clue was the area code and the state he was in, possibly a little vague but don't want to give too much away while I'm still deciding where to take the story. Cheers for the tips guys.

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  9. Na algood lol i like him having my name, makes it more scary haha

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  10. WOW Gabriel this was so intense!! I cant wait to read the rest..... make him die... thats terrible of me.. but it would be cool to read.. I dont think I have any comments that could be useful to you.. but maybe you could just make him more complicated leaving us unsure of what happens to him... Just an idea.. I am sure what you come up with will be great!

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